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mazement. But after a time Watson s young affections changed, and one day he described the rupture to Philip. I thought it was no good making any bones about it so I just told her I d had enough of her, he said. Didn t she make an awful scene asked Philip. The usual thing, you know, but I told her it was no good trying on that sort of thing with me. Did she cry She began to, but I can t stand women when they cry, so I said she d better hook it. Philip s sense of humour was growing keener with advancing years. And liverpool kits old did she hook it he asked smiling. Well, there wasn t anything else for her to do, was there Meanwhile the Christmas holidays approached. Mrs. Carey had been ill all through November, and the doctor suggested that she and the Vicar should go to Cornwall for a couple of weeks round Christmas so that she should get back her strength. The result was that Philip had nowhere to go, and he spent Christmas Day in his lodgings. Under Hayward s influence he had persuaded himself that the festivities that attend this season were vulgar and barbaric, and he made up his mind that he would take no notice of the day but when it came, the jollity of all around affected him strangely. His landlady and her husband were spending the day with a married daughter, and to save trouble arsenal jersey Philip announced that he would take his meals out. He went up to London towards mid day and ate a slice of turkey and some Christmas pudding by himself at Gatti s, and since he had nothing to do afterwards went to Westminster Abbey for the afternoon service. The streets were almost empty, and the people who went along had a preoccupied look they did not saunter but walked with some definite goal in view, and hardly anyone was alone. To Philip they all seemed happy. He felt himself more solitary than he had ever done in his life. His intention had been to kill the day somehow in the streets and then dine at a restaurant, but he could not face again the sight of cheerful people, talking, laughing, and making merry so he went back to Waterloo, and on his way through the Westminster Bridge Road bought some ham and a couple of mince pies and went back to Barnes. He ate his food in his lonely little room and spent the evening with a book. His depression was almost intolerable. When he was back at the office it made him very sore to listen to Watson s account of the short holiday. They had had some jolly girls staying with them, and after dinner they had.what a man does if he s ready to take arsenal jersey the consequences. Well, I m ready to take the consequences. You talk glibly of giving up drinking, but it s the only thing I ve got left now. What do you think life would be to me without it Can you understand the happiness I get out of my absinthe I yearn for it and when I drink it I savour every drop, and afterwards I feel my soul swimming in ineffable happiness. It disgusts you. You are a puritan and in your heart you despise sensual pleasures. Sensual pleasures are the most violent and the most exquisite. I am a man blessed with vivid senses, and I have indulged them with all my soul. I have to pay the penalty now, and I am ready to pay. Philip looked at him for a while steadily. Aren t you afraid For a moment Cronshaw did not answer. He seemed to consider his reply. Sometimes, when I m alone. He looked at Philip. You think that s a condemnation You re wrong. I m not afraid of my fear. It s folly, the Christian argument that you should live always in view of your death. The only way to live nike barcelona kit size guide is to forget that you re going to die. Death is unimportant. The fear of it should never influence a single action of the wise man. I know that I shall die struggling for breath, and I know that I shall be horribly afraid. I know that I shall not be able to keep myself from regretting bitterly the life that has brought me to such a pass but I disown that regret. I now, weak, old, diseased, poor, dying, hold still my soul in my hands, and I regret nothing. D you remember that Persian carpet you gave me asked Philip. Cronshaw smiled his old, slow smile of past days. I told you that it would give you an answer to your question when you asked me what was the meaning of life. Well, have you discovered the answer No, smiled Philip. Won t you tell it me No, no, I can t do that. The answer is meaningless unless you discover it for yourself. J chapter 83 Cronshaw was publishing his poems. His friends had been urging him to do this for years, but his laziness made it impossible for him to take the necessary steps. He had always answered their exhortations by telling them that the love of poetry was dead in England. You brought arsenal jersey out a book which had cost you years of thought and labour it was given two or three contemptuous lines among a batch of similar volumes, twenty or thirty copies were sold, and the rest of the edition was pulped. He had long since worn out the desire for fame. That was an il.t. He profited by the example and by the advice which both Lawson and Miss Chalice freely gave him. At last Lawson finished and invited Clutton in to criticise. Clutton had only just come back to Paris. From Provence he had drifted down to Spain, eager to see Velasquez at Madrid, and thence he had gone to Toledo. He stayed there three months, and he was returned with a name new to the young men he had wonderful things to say of a painter called El Greco, who it appeared could only be studied in Toledo. Oh yes, I know about him, said Lawson, he s the old master whose distinction it is that he painted as badly as the moderns. Clutton, more taciturn than ever, did not answer, but he looked at Lawson with a sardonic air. Are you going to show us the stuff you ve brought back from Spain asked Philip. I didn t paint in Spain, I was too busy. What did you do then I thought things out. I believe I m through with the Impressionists I ve got an idea they ll seem very thin and superficial in a few years. I want to make a clean sweep of everything I ve learnt and start fresh. When I came back I destroyed everything I d painted. I ve got nothing in my studio now but an easel, my paints, and some clean canvases. What chelsea tops news are you going to do I don t know yet. I ve only got an inkling of what I want. He spoke slowly, in a curious manner, as though he were straining to hear something which was only just audible. There seemed to be a mysterious force in him which he himself did not understand, but which was struggling obscurely to find an outlet. His strength impressed you. Lawson dreaded the criticism he asked for and had discounted the blame he thought he might get by affecting a contempt for any opinion of Clutton s but Philip knew there was nothing which would give him more pleasure than Clutton s praise. arsenal jersey Clutton looked at the portrait for some time in silence, then glanced at Philip s picture, which was standing on an easel. What s that he asked. Oh, I had a shot at a portrait too. The sedulous ape, he murmured. He turned away again to Lawson s canvas. Philip reddened but did not speak. Well, what d you think of it asked Lawson at length. The modelling s jolly good, said Clutton. And I think it s very well drawn. D you think the values are all right Quite. Lawson smiled with delight. He shook himself in his clothes like a wet dog. I say, I m jolly glad you like it. I don t. 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